I wrote 9-8-2014 on the front of a blue journal because that is the day I died (figuratively, of course). I will never be that person again. I am going to be someone new. I have been watching a cheesy TV show about transforming your life. At first it was kinda fun to watch. The more I watched it, the more I thought, “wow, I really want to hike that mountain or visit that place or do that.” The people on the show kept saying that it was time to stop existing and start living. The more they said it, the more I started to cry. Every episode turned into heart wrenching sobs. That is not a normal reaction to a TV show. I am never going to be on a TV show that transforms your life. I have to do that for myself. I have to be the one to make the change. Maybe no one will ever know that I have made the change, but I will know.
So, how am I going to make the change? I have no freaking idea. That is the truth. Today, day one, I found out that my child is struggling in school. She has never had a problem, and I feel deeply responsible. I just thought, I will never be a good mom, a good person, a success. But that is the thinking that got me into this. So, I figured out what I can do. It may not solve the problem, but I made some new house rules, I went and got her a workbook and some flashcards, and I talked to her about it. Even if it doesn’t solve the problem, I took a step. I realized that this is how I am going to transform my life. What I try may not always work, but I can try things and try to solve the problem and one step at a time, the problem will be solved.
There are so many things I want to do: lose weight, finish my dissertation, find my dream job, publish a book, have an organized house. But the problem I find myself in is that I always try to do everything at once and then when I get overwhelmed or fail, I just give up. But not this time. I am going to see this through.
So, that begs the question what I am going to do first. Well, my sleeping pattern really messes up my life. I realized that it messes with my work schedule, my eating schedule, my fitness. Every aspect of my life is touched by my sleeping issues. So, that is definitely first on my list. I am going to start going to bed at 10 pm and waking up at 6 am. That is my plan. Of course, I have a day this week that totally throws that off because of a family situation where I will have to get up at 4 am. Usually, I would just say, “I’ll start after that.” But I’m not going to say that this time. I am going to stick to it. 10 pm seems so early to me. Like insane in the membrane early, but it is something that I can do. I think it will take about a week or two to retrain my mind and body to this new sleeping schedule.
The other thing I am starting with is journaling. A few years ago I took this leadership class, and the woman who led the class said the most important thing you can do is journal every morning for 3 pages even if you just throw them away right after. I never took up the habit. Then I was reading an article the other day where the author said the number one thing successful people have in common is journaling. I know that is probably true. So, I am going to start journaling. Today I got to half a page before I just couldn’t keep going. Tomorrow I am going to try to get to a whole page, and by next week work my way up to three pages. Baby steps folks, baby steps.