Covering my feelings with a layer of food

>If  you are a parent, then you know that one of the first things we teach our children to do is self soothe. You hear these lovely words almost from the moment a child is born. Every time a baby cries, some grandma somewhere says, “let the baby learn to soothe herself.” And thus begins our lifelong quest to develop coping mechanisms. Methods of self soothing. I am going to be painfully honest in this post in the hopes that it might help someone else who is grappling with this same thing.

I have been going through a bit of a rough patch, and there is no self soothing. There is no alcohol (I’m not a drinker), there is no cigarettes (I’m not a smoker), there is no drugs (I’m not a drug user), but there was always food. I used to take a thin layer of cupcakes to cover up the hurt feelings. I mean you can fix anything with a chocolate milk shake. You can just eat it away.

And then this week happened . . . I suddenly found myself driving to the post office having a panic attack. I had to pull my car over to the side of the road. I got home and had to just lay on my couch. There I was with no self soothing mechanism. My brain was screaming out to just go get something to eat. Since I first transitioned to veganism, I haven’t had cravings. I haven’t really missed anything. All of a sudden I wanted the strangest things. Ranch Dressing. A hamburger. Cupcakes. Candy Bars. Cheese Puffs. Just anything to put the thin layer of food over the top.

Then my husband said, “just EAT something.” So, I don’t live next to a whole foods. Everything closes at 9 pm in my town, so going to the health food store was not an option. So I found myself at Walmart (yes, the dreaded Walmart) at 11 pm. I was standing on the candy aisle. Every single candy bar had something in it. EVERY SINGLE ONE. I was so upset. In that moment, for the first time in this journey, I almost broke down. I thought to myself, “I mean c’mon, what is a little milk fat compared to my mental health?” I could not eat pineapple or corn chips or an orange. I just needed something.

But then I remember reading on Choosing Raw’s blog ( that the one thing she never compromises is being vegan because it isn’t just about health and it isn’t just about the environment but it is about ethics. We literally are who we eat. So, I decided that I would find the most unhealthy vegan thing that is not an oreo in Walmart, and I would eat that. That would be my self soothing. I found two really awesome things.

First, again, I am not advocating shopping in Walmart. But the point is, if you need to put a thin layer of food over a panic attack, you can do it even if you have to shop at Walmart.

So I bought these little yummies. They are So Delicious Coconut Milk minis. They have 100 calories. They are awesome!!! I gave one to the husband. He ate his before I ate mine. He said, “There is no way these are vegan.” But they totally are. As soon as I took a bite, I just felt like, whew. Yes. That tastes like so much better. I mean, I don’t think food is the way to fix your emotional problems. But I was in a freaking crisis. This mini bar was so comforting. It reminded me that just because I am a vegan doesn’t mean that I have to give up everything that is yummy and fun and bad for you. I mean, I want to eat 99% what is good for you, but sometimes it is so good to be naughty. The truth is these aren’t even that naughty. The review is that these are fantastic. They even offer coupons on their website ( You should totally try them.
Then I also bought this delicious Vanilla Chai Tea. I thought maybe when I woke up in the morning it would be a nice little pick me up. I am sure I could make it homemade and someone has some fantastic recipe, but I just wanted something easy and made for me. You know. Processed. I dislike the aftertaste of most soy milk products, so I wasn’t super enthusiastic about this product. But it was all the Walmart had, and I needed it. So, I thought I would give it a try.
When I woke up this morning, I got out one of the fancy glasses my mom gave me. I poured a glass. I took a sip, and it was heaven in a glass. It was like chai, vanilla, egg nog. It was thick and creamy. It was so good I almost cried. So out of love, I gave my husband a sip. He totally freaked out. I told him it was my special treat, and not his, so if he wanted a bottle he needed to go buy his own. Ten minutes later I caught him sneaking sips of it out of the fridge. I confronted him and he said, “I need a thin layer of food too!” It was so funny. But seriously, this tea is a little expensive, but you don’t need much. So I spent $4, but as long as my husband doesn’t dip his tongue in it, I think it will last me three days. That is only like $1 a day for the best decadence ever!!!
I am so glad that I didn’t fall off the vegan wagon. I am so glad that I didn’t grab one of those milk fat candy bars. Thank you Choosing Raw for inspiring me. Thank you So Delicious and Vanilla Chai from Bolthouse Farms for helping me find products that are even better than cruelty products. It is so awesome to know that even when I am sad, I can push down the sadness with cruelty free products that aren’t that bad for me!
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2 Responses to Covering my feelings with a layer of food

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